Dybbuk
8.15.06
by Crystal Frazer
Editor’s note: This story contains sexual content. Reader discretion is advised. A PDF version is available for download here.
As I pushed a cart through the produce section, I thought about my roommate. She must have been in Sunday School, probably making some asinine comment about how television is of the devil. One night you’re watching the O.C. and the next you’re murdering kittens with plastic bags. That’s just the order of things—milk before meat.
Sure, the lesson was on Balaam, but his wouldn’t be the only talking ass in the room. I tell you, the girl has an amazing ability to make anything about Satan. If I didn’t watch her bow her head so devoutly over every morsel that passed through her lips, I would have sworn she had been possessed by a dybbuk. Demonic possession seems to have fallen out of favor since the Exorcist, but one can never be too careful. Maybe spirits get cold in the winter.
Just before she left, she had turned to me so smugly, as the milk from my Corn Pops dribbled down my chin and said, “Julie, it’s Fast Sunday, and you’re welcome to come to church with me. I know you’ve always enjoyed testimony meetings.”
“I’m really enjoying my cereal right now, but I’ll keep that in mind.” I think I heard a huff as she closed the door. I took secret delight in it.
The cantaloupe smelled like summer, so I splurged, setting it in the basket as if it were a child. I could go without diet coke this week if it meant a little sweetness in the morning.
How I wound up with a roommate like Emily puzzles me. I had moved to Boston to get away from Mormons and here I was, living in a dilapidated brownstone on Beacon Street with the molliest of them all.
We both worked in the bookstore. Without the employee discount, I’d never be able to pay for all the books required of a religion major. At BYU, I’d studied literature, but it was Dante and Milton that really kept my attention.
Boston is known for its baseball team and tea parties, but what I love are the used bookstores, with shelves and shelves of tattered paperbacks needing adoption. One lazy afternoon, I picked Thomas Merton’s Seven Storey Mountain off the shelf, and what was a passing interest in God-themed literature became an affair with divinity.
God wasn’t just Heavenly Father anymore. He became a character almost romantic in my mind, changing whenever I read the next book. One day He was offering His body in Eucharistic sacrifice, and the next, He was the elephant-bodied manifestation of intellect and wisdom.
8.15.06 | 2:29 pm |
Very, very interesting Crystal. May I ask how you interpret this ending? Is she renouncing her brief return to Mormonism? Is she moving on, past the hypocrisy of her boyfriend, by learning to love again?
8.15.06 | 3:14 pm |
See, that’s interesting. I saw her choice as a rejection of something good in herself; an assumption that “this” was all she was good for, reinforced by her sighting of her ex and his wife. Then again, maybe she sees the church as the source of all of her self-hatred, so by setting it aside she is coming to herself. It’s ambiguous. Which is good, I think.
8.15.06 | 3:14 pm |
Oh, another thing. How does the title fit in with the ending?
8.15.06 | 3:28 pm |
Steve, are you saying she had lost that loving feeling?
I think her decision speaks to where she is at that given moment, but I don’t know that it has any finality to it.
HP, I think the fit depends on what you think her personal dybbuk is.
8.15.06 | 3:42 pm |
Well and good. How do you think they fit together?
8.15.06 | 4:10 pm |
I think she thinks the Church is her dybbuk, but that doesn’t really mean it is. I think she’s haunted by something, but what that is isn’t clear. Do you think that’s a weakness of the piece, or can it be a good thing?
8.15.06 | 4:13 pm |
I think its a very good thing. But I also think that the author’s insight helps. In some ways, you’ve got a “lady and the tiger” thing going with the juxtaposition of title and ending. That’s cool.
8.15.06 | 8:19 pm |
That story could be the biography of so many girls who are raised in a very religious family (no matter the religion). I wonder if the experience with the boyfriend: an experience that she obviously wasn’t ready for: is what has affected her feelings toward her church.
8.17.06 | 6:05 pm |
Shelia,
I don’t think it was the losing her virginity that caused her break from the Church. I think Peter took her innocence away, but it wasn’t in bed that he did.
8.18.06 | 12:19 pm |
What level of comment/critique are you interested in?
A small technical glitch—around the middle of this you switch between narrative past and present tense before settling back into narrative past (”I struggle up the stairs…”).
Overall, I struggled to put Julie’s animus toward Emily in a context that worked for me. Julie’s quite nasty at the top of the first page, then spends the rest of the story being only mildly fatigued with Emily’s Molliness (Em-Molly? cute), and even defending why Emily’s likeable. I felt a little whiplash there.
I understand that Julie’s feelings are in flux, but a story this short doesn’t really give you enough time to develop two characters; you may want to consider simplifying the back story with Emily and just letting them have a strained relationship based on Julie’s quiet antagonism.
Similarly, the fact that Julie is studying comparative religion makes her first-page lash-out at Emily seem even more petty. I would expect someone who studies a lot of religions to be more neutral toward Emily’s religious expression. Consider losing that detail and just letting Julie find more meaning from the gods described in the variety of views she finds in the bookstore.
With the space you gain from that, consider giving us a little more time with Julie and Peter. You move very quickly through that scene; I think you could spend a sentence here and there expanding the context a bit. Was it their plan to have sex from the beginning? Was it something that just happened? I’d like the small amount of additional detail that clarifies that context, especially if it’s the latter. Possibly seeing more of her internally romanticized view of the event before she’s disillusioned. Not detail about the actual sex, but rather more of her mindset that enabled it.
I like the level of detail you offer at Church the next Sunday–more interactions, more sense of personality between the two of them. That made the situation more real for me. (I assume that she never told anyone, which is part of her current dissonance.)
I think you can leave the ambivalent ending, but I think you could set it up a bit more. Is this a major reversal for her—has she dated at all since Peter? Give me a few more clues about what going out with Ethan means. You don’t have to spell it out, but for her decision to be powerful it needs to be set in a bit more of a context—for me at least.
Of course this is merely my thoughts on your story, and if I missed the point then you should actively ignore my suggestions.
I like this. I just want more context to help me imagine the possible meanings of her choice at the end.
8.19.06 | 4:57 am |
Crystal, your writing is strong, fresh and vibrant and quite humorous in places and this story has a lot of good, thought-provoking elements.
Scot has given you some great advice and I would have to agree with almost all of his points. I too was thrown by the changes in verb tense and narrative and would suggest losing the many flashbacks in so short a piece. Flashbacks are fine in a larger work but I think the use of so many flashbacks here is too much. Or, if you do choose to go the flashback route, try to make the transition to flashback smoother and more natural for the reader (by watching tenses, etc.)
Also, I wonder about Peter (priesthood? lol) and his rationale that they should have sex (because they are practically married) but then he says he is getting ready to go on a mission? If he was planning on going on a mission your protagonist would know this so his line about being practically married does not make any sense to me. Like Scot said, perhaps less emphasis on Em and more on this crucial part of the story would be helpful.
And my last nit would be the sex scene. It was more like Peter slipped her the tongue instead of his manhood. Made me think of a lizard. Maybe not elaborate too much but perhaps you could add some details to make it a bit more real for the reader. JMO.
I enjoyed reading this story and think you have a lot of talent. I look forward to reading more.
8.20.06 | 10:54 pm |
Scot,
The mild-fatigue, as opposed to outright disdain for Emily was a change that was made in the second writing of the story, because Julie needs to actually like Emily in order to be her roommate; I think that it is also pretty true to living with someone. Sometimes those traits that we don’t like are really irksome and sometimes they’re just a reason to laugh.
I think that her lash out is petty, and I think she knows it, which is why she feels bad about it. I think her relationship with her faith is so love/hate that she lashes out at things that are downright silly. I also don’t think she’s at a place where she can take all that she’s learned studing comparitive religion and apply it to her relationship with her own faith. She calls her relationship with God romantic, but I think what it really is is naive. She’s not comfortable with God, so she treats him like a character in a novel, making him more distant.
You’re right that I moved very quickly through the sex scene. I think it’s because it made me really nervous. I didn’t want to get into too much detail, so I erred on the side of caution. I’ll have to go back and set it up better.
I know I didn’t address everything you said, but I really appreciate your feedback. If you can’t already tell, I’m a little new at all of this, so everything helps.
8.21.06 | 9:43 pm |
I enjoyed this story, Crystal. What does dyybuk mean?
I wondered how autobiographical it is.
I read your story purely at the plot level and feel you did well. As a mother, I feel angry at Peter’s hypocrisy. Totally without judgment of Julie. The poor girl. And all the girls like her.
8.22.06 | 10:29 am |
These are just my observations, and reflect the story I wanted to read—perhaps as opposed to the story you wanted to tell. As I said before, if I missed the point then you should ignore me.
If I were writing the story, I might make her shame reaction a little stronger as she recognizes how unfair she is at the beginning when she thinks some pretty nasty things about Emily.
As far as her love/hate relationships, I think you can actually emphasize those a little more. Making her just a bit more bipolar will help emphasize that she’s in crisis, and will help set up the idea that she’s working herself up into enough personal rage to start breaking from her habits. That will help contextualize her decision at the end to go out with Ethan–it’s a full and intentional break from dating “good” LDS boys to start dating simply good young men.
It will also help clearly place the anti-LDS sentiments in the character’s mind and leave it ambiguous whether the same sentiments exist in the author’s mind.
Or perhaps that’s my story and not yours. Only you know for sure. Do what’s right for your story and ignore any comments that attempt to tell a different story.
8.22.06 | 12:27 pm |
K.D.,
The flashbacks/tenses are a problem that need some working out. You should have seen the first draft.
I don’t think that his mission and being practically married are conflicting, really. They’ve dated since they were 15, and I’m not sure that at that moment either of them think Julie wouldn’t wait for Peter to come back for them to be married. But maybe that can be clarified some.
The challenge for me with the sex scene was how much detail do I really need. I didn’t want to be too graphic or have the detail be gratuitous. Perhaps they need a warm up, which would also resolve the quickness that Scott talked about.
And thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
8.22.06 | 9:41 pm |
Anne,
In Jewish folklore, a dybbuk is the wandering soul of a dead person that enters the body of a living person and controls his or her behavior. I became fond of the word by reading Chaim Potok.
The story, while having shades of me in it, is not autobiographical. I’m a coffee-drinking, rated-R-movie-watching, grocery-shopping-on-Sunday Mormon, and I’m dating a non-member, but that’s where the similarities end.
I don’t think we really know enough about Peter to judge him. Sure, there’s a bit of hypocrisy in his taking the Sacrament and his fight with Julie, but he’s also just gone through a confusing thing. I think we have to remember that this story is told from Julie’s perspective; this is her narrative, and we rarely play the victim in our own narratives.
I think there’s plenty of judgement to be passed on Julie. She’s defintely not a hapless victim in all this, and rarely are all girls like her.
8.22.06 | 9:42 pm |
I meant to say that we rarelt play the villian in our own narratives. I think we play the victim far too often.
8.23.06 | 9:08 am |
What a profound thought. I think I’ll steal your idea for something. Be the villain.
I think you actually did well with the sex scene. Men might quibble, but the first sexual experience for a woman is often that sort of “what happened?” sort of thing, not the big thing people make of it. Messy and underwhelming.
I’m still mad at Peter.
8.26.06 | 2:14 am |
I found two situations explored here particularly interesting: (1) Being a covert inactive in close proximity to an active and the encounters with past, family, and self that entails, and (2) Peter endeavoring to hide his sins and what his hypocracy might mean to him and others long term.
Indeed, I think each of these two situations might make solid short stories on their own. (On the other hand, I do see how they work together—how Julie’s experience with Peter colors who she has become and how she relates to Emily.)
I agree with Scott and K.D. that there are some structural issues you might consider ironing out. Julie’s initial treatment of Emily gives the first paragraphs an edge. However, when the reader sees that the actual relationship doesn’t fit Julie’s sharp descriptions, the first paragraphs come to seem confusing or disingenous. Likewise, the sudden and various leaps back and forth in time and space were a little burdensome. Not that I would give up playing with such things, but I think you need to reign it in a little. Some of that may create a nice impressionistic effect. Too much and the reader may feel like she is working too hard.
Anyway, nice work. One thing I found myself wondering was to what extent Julie remains distinctively Mormon. To what extent are her study of religion, pleasure found in old books, continuing revulsion from the Peter episode, drive to authenticity, etc., etc. responses rooted in Mormonism that she cannot shake no matter how many cups of coffee or r-rated movies she consumes.
9.13.06 | 9:27 pm |
The story, while having shades of me in it, is not autobiographical. I’m a coffee-drinking, rated-R-movie-watching, grocery-shopping-on-Sunday Mormon, and I’m dating a non-member, but that’s where the similarities end.
I found myself wondering what would happen to this story if it became the first chapter of a five chapter book. I decided to wait to see what others said, but I think the perspective you want for you next rewrite is to think of this not only as to what it says by itself, but how it would fit into a longer, book length narrative, which is what I would expect it to eventually become.
9.18.06 | 7:44 pm |
Crystal,
Very nice story; brings back good memories of Boston. I can’t add much to what has been said to this point, except that I agree with Stephen. This definitely has the feel of a story to be continued. I’d love to see what else happens when she goes out for her drink.
9.19.06 | 8:07 am |
Shawn,
I think that in a lot of ways, Julie is still distintively Mormon, and if the story is told further, I think that might show. It’s kind of along the lines of leaving the Church, but never leaving it alone. It’s also, I think, a result of just that’s who she is. Julie is Mormon, all the things she does and doesn’t do notwithstanding. I think it is who we are that makes us LDS, not what we do.
Dan and Stephen,
I plan to continue the story line in some fashion, though I’m not sure it is in the way you might imagine.
And Dan, when were you in Boston? maybe we’ve crossed paths and don’t know it.
9.19.06 | 1:48 pm |
Crystal,
I lived in Boston itself, well, Somerville, for a few months, but lived in Massachusetts and Rhode Island for about four years from 2001 to 2005. I went to the Longfellow Park ward for the most part. Interestingly, and related to your story, it was at a time when I didn’t feel as strongly about the church as I do now, so I wasn’t very active. But if ever you saw me, I wore a distinctive red hat everywhere I went, and had a beard.
9.19.06 | 2:32 pm |
Dan, I was in the university Ward between 2000 & 2003, so we probably crossed paths, but i don’t have any distinguishing traits.
12.24.06 | 10:48 am |
very good post…
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